Mad at You

I’m mad at you. I’m mad that you consume me. I tore us, I damaged us, I ripped up the seams and burnt the edges and I still can’t move on. I couldn’t wait to get away and now I can’t breathe this far away from you. The unspoken connection and chemistry that words couldn’t hold a match to.  I need to separate myself from this. How does one divorce an emotional connection? The greater question is do I need that connection with my next lover. Once you have that do you learn to love without it and learn to stop longing for it. It there a time when I will stop wanting every person i encounter to have that ability to stare into my soul….and if they don’t I will stop believing that I don’t love them enough. That is not fair and such a gamble. Am I addicted to our sadness? Am I addicted to the drama of experiences and the efforts I love to partake in that made us cry. 

Every song, smell, city, and emotional that reminds me of my use-to-be’s is held up high on a thorn of love. The sentimental value, heart-beat, and mental state comes back and I time-travel to that place where you were mine. Where everything we did was a first and where I grew up and learned about myself in your arms. Now I have to strong along, I have to talk myself out of my head, I have to rise up and learn how to love without you holding my hand. Do I feel so grateful to you that I feel I owe you my future happiness? I live in memories where the power is held. Like they were windows into where I could have changed a path and I made a decision. How did I created this life thinking you were gone out of my heart. One day I woke up and yelled at you for not leaving me alone. I haven’t seen your face in more than 2 years but yet I feel your presence everyday. I’m so mad at you. I need to move on but I don’t know what that means when it comes to you. 

I can’t remember anything bad all I remember is your hear beat and the silent love. I’ve told myself that we are locked spirits but we couldn’t figure out how to human together. This enables me to make sense of the shit I did to you. This makes sense somehow and yet you don’t leave my brain. I don’t want to confess that I still love you because I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe I am addicted to what you did to my life? Maybe I’m shifted by the windows you opened up for me? Maybe I’m heartbroken that I broke your heart. Maybe love has nothing to do with it. Maybe I believe that if I let go of the love petastool that I’ve created for you that I will lose everything I gained because you loved me.


Daily Cleanse

I am open to all possibilities of a newness in my relationships.
I am open to being emotionally and mentally healthy without barrier or memory. 
How big is unconditional love?
What does that look like?
How am I preventing myself from seeing this?
Whatever those are - I release myself from all points and destroy the control. 
I am open to new feelings, bigger views, and a deeper heart. 
I daily destroy the space that I held for the past and welcome the universe to clean, expand, and fill it with joy and light. 

I am one with the universe
I am one with love
I am one with growing and I repeal negative and doubt
I open all corners, levels, lives, and views for a cleanse
Wash me with light. 

I am entirely one with the universe. 

I am me. 
I will be. 



The moment of change.
Hold your breath and notice - the world just shifted.
One road defined - another will not happen.
From this moment on memories will be sweeter and everything else will fall-short.

The moment of change.
Stand still - take a minute to reflect.
This is a new story - only in it's first chapter.
Love's prick burning the wall's of the soul.

The moment of change.
Breath - this too will will pass.
Where images of 'the last time we' are frequent memories.
Yesterday was a beautiful novel stained forever within me.



It's the kind of night where I wear my special bra,  my red lipstick,  and put product in my hair.
Where I meant similar souls,  laugh louder than usual,  and say things I wouldn't say at work.

I flirt because I get enjoyment out of his curiosity, I get girly because I can, and by the end of the night in high on pleasure.

High on their energy.
Addicted on looks.
Empty on love.



Are you new?
Did you knock at my door?
Shall I entertain the thought of us;
maybe we will dance,
maybe we will fly.
How will I know...

Maybe I am knocking on your door?
Do you hear me?
The curiosity brings on the want,
the want brings on the need.
Are you there? Will you answer?
Let's dance, let's explore.
Something new....what are you!?



You stay in one place and expand from your core.
That never interest me...
...but maybe it should.
You don't travel, you don't fly.
But your strong and you don't waver. 
How do you stay still?
I only fly, I travel, I never stay long.
But I find shade under you.
You are my core. 


Through the blinds of a motionless
apartment I look upon her
My Maggie sits on her steps deep in thought 

Just to see her lips move verbal oblivion
The moon observes her laugh and catches a glimmer in her eye
Maybe she has seen me,
she obviously doesn’t care
Does she feel my pulse linger innocently

across her breast and waist?
An appropriate dance of strangers
full of caffeine and nicotine
She inhales partial air and partial range
When she exhales my chest releases
The velvet-ness of her cigarette, so damn tranquil
I don’t obsess over her
In simplistic she’s my escape, my own personal mystery, a tender silent puzzle
If she would just sit there as if she doesn’t see me I would gaze into her soul
“Look right through me, don’t move, I just want to scrutinize you”
Unsure if she’s a Maggie, not too concerned about it
Her Virtues and Vices are no association to me
My curiosity of her body shouldn’t be pleased
Just to see her breath is more than enough


I hate that I think I want to love you.
You fail and boost me at the same time.
You will not control me,  I will thrive.
Your dirty creation has left me dependant.
I need to forget your strength.
....I must remember mine.
You are filthy.
Driven by ego and greed. 
I hate that I crave you.
Want you.  Need you.
Hate you.



Will you ride with me?

Pack light, phone off, windows down, deep conversation with me?

Will you laugh when we get pulled over, when the road is closed, and when the wind steals our hats?

Will you help me stay awake, will you be my DJ, will you tell me to slow down?

Will you ride with me?

No reservations only destinations with me?


I can't answer every sigh,
every puppy-dog look,
every open ended sentence.

A grown man seeking attention is most unattractive.

Don't wave your drama like a flag -
I won't salute you.

Don't ask me questions that you will answer -
I won't listen.

Don't lie about your passion just to connect with me -
I see through your shit.

We all have a path, a career, a pain, a story -
Don't beg for attention.

There is enough people who actually need honest love who don't ask for anything.



It's where I'm happy,
A girl and a baseball field,
My favorite diamond.



Good night my love for my body needs rest.
Good night dear moon, please protect my love.
Good night universe,  thank you for the moonlight.
Good night my soul,  be well and love.



You inspire me to be better.
Perfection you don't expect.
Just to be soulful, loving, and open.
You ask that I refrain from reservations and doubts.
I suffer from self-inflicted wounds brought on by listening to others.
I suffer from over-promising by not being in the now.
So I will not promise, I will not over-sleep.
I will be the best me I can be.
I will look inward to ensure I an open for your love.
This anniversary of our soul-agreement is precious in action and strong in spirit.



My skin is a thin piece of cloth
over weak tissue and failing bones.
My skin is sensitive to impact
protecting the best it knows how.
Light and beautiful.
Smooth and scarred.
This large canvas plays it's roll...
to cover my soul here on earth.




The weather man knew it when he looked in my eyes.
Dark clouds were coming and love couldn't stop it.
The silence was piercing as the storm was growing.
Logic was no sun.
Affection was no shelter.
The glum was loss of valuable time.
The weather man knew it when he looked in my eyes.
Hold your heart tight inside your home.
She will soon past....
....just like before. 




A painting is still a painting no matter the room it's in.
You are still mine no matter where you've been. 
You are the painting on my hearts wall.



It was a small complex - maybe 10 units.
Everyone had the same layout and the same two steps in front of the same front door.
The teacher lady across the courtyard always peaked out her blinds.
The 6 year old twins would leave their toys about.
The single old man listened to the news too loud.
And we decided to call it home.
On the steps in front of the door we sat and celebrated with a cheap cigar and a box of wine.
The lady slammed her window, the twins were sound asleep, and the old man tipped his hat.
Our music was the harmony of crickets and a California sunset.
Our conversations included silence and soul-searching.
I can still smell the apartment and it's innocent walls.
On the steps in front of the door we sat and made memories.
I, a young know-it-all who needed security but suffered from boredom, and you,
a teddy-bear of a man longing for Johnny and June kind-of-love.
Evening tea, record's playing, incense burning, and our soul's grew bigger than our tiny one bedroom.
Two September's past and the teacher lady never talked to us, the twins were now in little-league, and the old man hadn't aged a day.
On the steps in front of the door we were worlds away.
You, the sweetest man.
The crickets weren't enough for me - the security couldn't keep me.
On the steps in front of the door I kissed you no more.
The teacher lady, the twins, and the old man watched as we broke our home.
It was a small complex. Too small to keep me.



Liefde, Amour, Amor, Amore, Die Liebe, Love

It's a word that gives me much grief. It's a word that produces more questions than answers. It's a word that on any given day I could crave or I could reject. At times I know its emotion and its result but then again I can’t define it – I don’t know what it looks like.

I’ve rolled my eyes at its over-used betrayal and embraced its less frequent silent moments. I’ve questioned its ability to overcome doubt, fear, hate, solitude, and errors. I compare its strength to my weak hands and imagine that I will only drop it. It’s a word that I don’t understand and yet I plunged into the sea to ‘find’.

They say it’s a feeling not an emotion. They say it’s a necessity to mention and a burden to bare. I thought it was a verb but the intention of one’s action is circumstantial at best. Some demand attention in the name of its decent. Some use it as a weapon but one must ask – is that possible? If this word is joy, peace, unconditional, positive, and uplifting how can one use it as a weapon?

In my child’s eye’s it’s all she knows. In my eyes it’s all I’ve lost. In my mother’s eyes it’s all she wants. We look to my mother’s mother and wish it’s all she had. We freeze in the reality that people grow, people hurt, and people leave and we long for its comfort.

There is a problem in our understanding of this word. We try to ‘find’ it as if it’s a reward and not already in us. We expect it versus give it. We attempt to mold sand into our vision of what it is. We believe others are somehow doing it more ‘right’ or ‘better’. We feel compiled to adapt to it the way our father’s did before. We fail to first find it in ourselves without the influence of the projection of others.

The worst setback is that we refuse to deserve it because we don’t understand it and we refuse to give it because we fail to see it in ourselves.







I am ... Me

This past week I found myself asking a question I despise - Who am I?

I know who my parents wants me be to (I think), I know who my friend's think I am, I know what my guilt and inner-demons want me to be, I know what my teachers expected out of me, I know what my enemies think of me, and I know to my dog I am the best person in the world! But after swimming in the ocean of life searching for P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way I'm not convinced even Sydney has the answer. So, I buckled down!

When asking this question in the past I would divert and cover up the real topic with 'What do I want?'  In turn always being disappointment and usually chasing a rabbit through some maze. Therefore, I stay on task - Who am I?

I am a girl who hates explaining myself but often find it helpful to defend off the people who try to answer it for me. I am a girl who loves meeting random people who feed off positive energy and although I may never see them again, we get to share a moment in time that will never be repeated. I am a girl who at times cries just because I miss being an innocent child. I am a girl who at times wants to murder those people who took my innocence too soon. I am a girl who rather look with emotion then talk with words. I am a girl who blames too many things on my up-bringing. I am a girl who will open a door for anyone but then flip you off if you don't say 'Thank You'. I am a girl who refuses to be told what to do - I literally take offensive to it. I am a girl who gets crabby when I am misunderstood. I am a girl who needs a lot of alone time not because I don't like people but because it gives me clarity from the inside out. I am a girl that battles with the characteristics in people that remind me of the vices in myself. I am a girl who battles with work-discipline and patience. I am a girl who knows I'm beautiful. I am a girl who can rock stilettos or converse in the same day. I am a girl who knows how to take advantage of most situations to get what I want. I am a girl who knows that I should stop doing that. I am a girl who is really loyal to my close friends. I am a girl who drops people quickly when I don't feel emotionally protected. I am a girl who misses her Papa because he seemed to slow life down. I am a girl who needs to be around positive light people because I take on the energy of other’s too easily. I am a girl who needs a patio, a glass of wine, and music to feel alive. I am a girl who has become bitter towards my family and can’t seem to shake it. I am a girl that falls in love with a ‘person’ because of their soul not their gender. I am a girl who is amazed that people have healthy marriages longer than 30 years. I am a girl who knows I have talent but is too afraid to be critiqued. I am a girl who is powered by water not sun. I am a girl who attempts not to need anyone but wants to be needed. I am a girl who put her identity in Northern California Farmers Markets, playing cards with good friends, hilarious moments with people that get me, striving to be the person my soul mates needs me to be, and staying true to my artistic side. I am a girl who had an ‘Old Soul’ but grew up. I am a girl who knows my potential is greater than my drive. I am a girl who needs silly. I am a girl who wants affirmation. I am a girl who needs someone to call me out on my attitude in a loving matter. I am a girl who is by no means perfect but wants someone to remind that doesn’t matter. I am a girl who will go to any length to help unless you make it an obligation. I am a girl who is still not sure if I want to be someone’s mother. I am a girl who questions absolutes unless it comes in the form of Vodka. I am a girl who despite all my self-induced pain knows there is still time to love and to be loved.


New York Photos

New York Cab and City View
Click on Photo for more New York Photos



Shared Enjoyment

For those of you who visit this chaos that I call a blog I want to share my daily reads (at least in the blog world).  These are people/writers who have given me something to wake up to, feed my brain, and humble me.

Amanda Palmer was recently featured on TED (see video). She took my day from dull to enlightened in her nearly 14 minutes speech. As an artist, I find myself in a place of ‘where the heck do I start’ and she answers all my questions with one - 'human connection'. She is a lovely woman, amazing artist, and beautiful soul. Please give her some love.

Dr. Alison Bremner holds many purposes in my life; friend, inspiring professional, health coach, and mirror of my free-spirit. As a friend for many years I knew the profession she was in and she knew how much I needed her knowledge and care. Slowly, she chipped away at my worldly robotic mind and opened a new world of health and recovery. For the last year I have been following a lifestyle from the planted seed years ago during our late night coffee dates. She is the reason and encouragement behind my recent series Share the Health. If you are in Colorado and need a health transformation please contact this wonderful friend of mine. If you are further away, you can still receive a great deal of information off her blog!
Last but not least is a person whose writing has touched levels that some can't experience in their lifetime. She has a way with words that make a person eager to unpeel each layer and find the core of her soul. Although many have tried she is a creature all her own. I have a vested interest in the well-being and success of her life as I don't believe a soul as gifted as hers can be caged. Her blog touches on silly life happenings, poetry, bitter struggles, happy endings, and normalcy all at the same time. Visit Series of Lefts!


Share the Health - Exercise

Third Post to the Share the Health Series!
Share the Health - Introduction
Share the Health - Stress

This has been my biggest struggle and I can only assume I am not the only one. In the beginning the idea that a ‘body in motion, stays in motion’ was great but I couldn’t seem to get over the pain of simply being in motion, which is why for so long I stayed in ‘a body in rest, stays in rest’.  My turning point was when I accepted that I can do a little at a time and I stopped betting myself up when I took a ‘day off’. You see, when I had a good physical healthy day I wanted to enjoy every minute so I played tennis and ran miles until I pass out. I was aiming too high and it took my body 2 days to recover. This caused a circular series of disappointment, lack of results, frustration, and soreness - I was hurting myself more than helping.  After years of playing this game I focused on aiming lower. As anti-inspirational as that sounds it was in fact the best thing I did. I gave up the idea that I had to be Jillian’s little experiment and took exercise one step at a time, literally. 
Before I tell you what I am doing currently let’s talk about why my older theory was wrong and remind us what our gym teacher attempted to teach us. You do not have to be a physical trainer but keep the basis in mind:

Increases confidence and self esteem
Increases muscle strength Increases
Endurance Increases oxygen and nutrients to your tissues
Improves Sleep (1 of the other 4 focuses for Healthy Living- stay tuned)
Increases metabolism
Increases arousal for women (better sex life)
Decreases erectile dysfunctional in men (better sex life)
P.S. If the last two benefits are not enough for you then I don’t know what is!

I’m sure a health expert could add more to this list but, geez, if you need more than 3 of the above reasons to get off your ass - then this post will not help!
Now that we are up to date on gym class let’s talk about why we stopped exercising. The wonderful defense we have practiced more than action – excuses!

  • It’s too much work!
    • Right! Because our ancestors got anywhere in life by sitting on their ass and wishing their way into this country – don’t get me started

  • It’s not for me!
    • What’s not for you? A crowded gym, softball, walking your dog, spin class, Wii games, hiking with a friend, playing soccer with your kid, or biking to the store? I’ve only listed a few and if none of them strike an interest then stop reading and call Jillian – I can’t help you!

  • I can’t afford it!
    • Do something for me – add up your lattes, alcohol, Rx drugs, impulse buys at Target, and the Oreos in your pantry and then give me another excuse! Listen, if you still don’t have money for a gym then don’t buy it! Google is a powerful tool for finding something you can do at home, buy a DVD (your latte cost the same), walk the dog, softball league, free resources (city park), and playing with your kids is always priceless (not to mention good for them)!

  • I didn’t see results!
    • Based on what I’ve read it takes a continuous work out of 12 weeks to see substantial results (Biggest Loser aside).   Remember, losing inches is not the only reason for exercise – I will argue that you will ‘feel’ a change (energy, ambition, endurance, or metabolism) before you ‘see’ it (inches).

  • No time!
    • Before you use this excuse, ask you self how much time you are spending on non-life-changing task’s, other than your life responsibilities (hint: social media). If you still find yourself at a loss for time, my only statement is no one in the world woke up to find a box of time on their doorstep! Get creative!
You may add any other excuse to this list and respond with your own ‘Gym Teacher Threat’! It’s a wonderful thing when your own logic trumps your excuses!

Back to me! After years of getting nowhere fast I changed my way of thinking. Bare with my stupid simple logic:
I’m too sore the day after = Don’t do as much
I'm bored = Add music
I don’t know where to start = Take the dog to the park
I can’t seem to do it every day = Then don’t! Changed goal to 3 times a week.
The expectations for myself were unreachable and no one starts climbing a mountain by running. So I implemented small changes, here are a few of my personal favorites.  Walking the dog (side note: I think this is the solution for everything), park the car further away (you know all the good spots are taken anyways), walk around the block to get the mail, reward system (blogging only after exercise), listen to music (it increases the time spent), if it’s in walking distance….then WALK there, keep walking shoes in your car, walk during work breaks and lunches (this will also increase your brain power), and lastly sign up for a 5k (don’t roll your eyes at me)! I signed up for my first 5k for June 1st (3 months away) and even if I walk the entire way – guess what?! I still did a 5k!
Final thought. Once I implement my OWN REALISTIC goals the best feeling, at least for me, was the first day I should have exercised but didn’t. Ironic, I know, but I knew I just trained my body to not only endure it but to enjoy it.  



Melaleuca GC Control - Observation

I am not an advocate of meal-replacement shakes but I am a fan of Melaleuca and they gave me a great deal on their new development of what they call GC Control. By saying "...but it was a great deal" is going against everything I stand for but 1. I'm not perfect and 2. Melaleuca has very few products I am not fans off, so I decided to try.
Here are a few things to know about Melaleuca:
1. These people were authentically 'green' before it was a fad.
2. Calling themselves 'The Wellness Company' is proven in the process of making their products and in-turn eliminating the question of 'what is in the bottles under my kitchen sink"?
3. Products are: Nutrition, Medicines, Beauty, Household, and Bath/Body.
4. Melaleuca is a membership based business. So although I can give you access to the main site you will need to become a member to see more.
Melaleuca Website 
Their new shake power has claimed to assist with healthier weight loss, better appetite control, less fatigue, and improves blood sugar.
Inside the product:
  • Oligo Chromium: Supports diets deficient in chromium and is necessary for proper carbohydrate metabolism.
  • Cinnamon bark extract: Helps support healthy glucose levels
  • Korean red ginseng root: Helps support balanced glucose uptake
  • Mulberry extract: Helps lower the glycemic index of food
  • Green tea leaf extract: Promotes healthy insulin activity
  • Sweet potato extract: Helps support healthy fasting blood glucose levels
Back to my morning!

1 cup of ice
1 Banana
1/2 cup Almond Milk
1/2 scoop of GC Control Creamy Chocolate Fusion

Result: Not bad at all!

Pro: Great prep to a work out and taste like a good chocolate/banana shake.
Con: Product contains soy and milk (which is why I did 1/2 scoop) also contains ingredients I can't pronounce (also against my nutruition lifestyle).



Share the Health - Stress

Second Post to the Share the Health Series!
Share the Health - Introduction

Stress - It’s safe to say everyone rolls their eyes at this category. At some point in our adult life we have shrugged our shoulders in accepting stress as a ‘way of life’. Life will always happen, planned or not, but just like Epictetus tell us "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."  To transform into a health topic, I tell you “It’s not life’s happenings that is causing you illness, but how you react that will save you.”

During this post I will make blanket statements about the situation of stress and it goes without saying that stress can be anything from an unplanned leak in the sink to a foreseen death in the family. Since we know that stress can be any shape and size we must find it in ourselves to categorize our stressor in priority boxes based off the needed follow-up action and/or the heart of the matter. Stress is an interesting thing – we don’t think about it until it’s happening, our joys (disconnected from the stressor) are affected, and we have robotically told our selves we can’t be proactive about stress. We use stress as an excuse as if we believe that if we spend time on ourselves and ‘get away’ we are guilty of not acknowledging the stress at hand.
To understand why managing your stress is important we must first realize what is happening to our bodies in the ‘stress’ mode. Since not all of us passed biology in high school I will remind us in what I call ‘Stress for Dummies’ (my apologies for Allen Elkin for stealing your title).
1.    The brain controls the balance between stimulating the body and tranquilizing the body.
2.    SNS (sympathetic nervous system) launches the fight-or-flight response. Which also causes:
a.       Increase heart rate
b.      Constricts blood vessels
c.       Decrease digestive activity
d.      Increases blood pressure
3.    PNS (parasympathetic nervous system) ushers the relaxation response that calms the body back into a normal state.

4.    Problem is when SNS stubbornly dominates the body therefore making it difficult for PNS to activate on its own.
a.       Results into the cortisol hormone invasion and an ongoing cycle of the above (a-d).

5.     If this continues for a period of time the following is affected in a negative matter (partial list):
a.       Immune system
b.      Fat build up
c.       Body aches
d.      Memory
e.      Concentration
f.        Digestion
g.       Fatigue

Yeah! You passed the Human Stress Class – blog style!

The above should answer the following questions:

Q. Why do I lose weight during stress?  A. SNS decreases digestive activity
Q. Why do I gain weight during stress?  A. You might be eating too much (AKA comfort food) while the body is not getting the right nutrients and is having decrease digestive activity during this time.

Q. I can’t seem to relax!    A. Your SNS has dominated and your PNS can not kick in without help. (Help - AKA Stress Reduction Techniques)

Q. Why do I get panic attacks?    A. The body is in an ongoing habit of conscious or subconscious stress in which the physical body has a negative reaction to.
Q. I’m tired but I haven’t done anything?   A. Every stressful action, thought, or emotion (good or bad) uses energy.
Q. Why am I always sick?   A. This could be several answers but stress might be a large factor – the cortisol hormone is linked to a weak immune system.  
Q. Is this symptom a medical symptom or mental stress disguised?    A. Only you can answer that. Once you start managing your stress, it is likely the ‘medical’ problem you experienced was really what your mom told you….’it’s all in your head!.
Q. Is my brain talking to the rest of my body correctly?   A. If your body is naturally unable to relax it is probable that your PNS (relaxation response) needs a little help.

Q. Can I take enough Rx and party my way out of stress?   A. Don’t be fooled that a bottle of vodka is cheaper than a yoga class and a therapy session (trust me). I think it’s safe to say it’s merely a cover–up or a temporary fix.

Now What?!   As Astrid Alauda said “Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of it’s worries”. Get on the same page with your PNS and take control!
Three natural ways to relieve stress are none other than exercise, sleep, and nutrition! If you remember the introduction to this series, those are 3 out of 4 other focuses for healthy living. Go figure! Stay posted on this blog for specific post of each of the topics.
Natural remedies for stress could be specific supplements where diet alone may lack (research adaptogen herbs). Also, aromatherapy minimizes tension and elevates the mood.
Natural stress activities can vary per person. None of the following will be news for you but maybe it will provoke you to live a more balanced life by implementing them into your every day life: Music, inspiration, nature, humor, good social relationships, writing, art, singing, pets, and never underestimate the power of a good support group or therapist!
Natural relaxants can be yoga, massage, meditation, natural muscle relaxers (Epsom salt), or deep breathing techniques. Under each one of these relaxants are a slew of sub categories that I encourage you to research. For instance, meditation is not a ‘one size fits all’ activity, you can participate in Awareness Mediation, Loving Kindness Meditation, Japa Mediation, Passage Mediation, or my personal favorite meditation for beginners also known as ‘meditative breathing’.
Don’t confuse your false obligation to worry and put the world on your shoulders with your real obligation to make sure you are healthy enough to do so!